Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
