just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
