yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Boobs speak an international language.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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