i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
