Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
