You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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