I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
