did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
