I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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