News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
