I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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