someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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