I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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