Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
