Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
