Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
