p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
