he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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