You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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