Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
