Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
