hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
