nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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