So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
