I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
