why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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