Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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