just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
