How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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