just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
