my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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