i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
