I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
