Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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