I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
