just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
