my sisters under your porch take her home
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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