I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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