Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
