NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
