did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
