Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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