dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
