If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
