I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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