One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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