Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
