That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
