Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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