The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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