I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
