false alarm. still invincible.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
